Relationships are far more complicated and work-intensive than most people are led to believe. Over time, as issues bubble to the surface, there can be plenty of emotional baggage blocking the path to a healthy resolution. This is one of the reasons why couples counseling is so popular. Working with a professional, unbiased guide is a proven path toward managing conflict and deepening your connection.
A popular and effective couples therapy option is the Gottman Method. Created by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, the approach has decades of results under its belt. Even so, it’s important to understand how to tell if the Gottman Method is working in your relationship.
The Essential Components of the Gottman Method
Needless to say, the Gottman Method is applied to each couple according to their unique needs. Even so, this approach springs from these five tenets:
- Building Love Maps: As you commit to learning more about your partner, you are building a metaphorical map of their inner world. This love map will enable you to navigate your relationship with more compassion and discernment.
- Sharing Fondness and Admiration: Many components make up a healthy relationship. Respect and appreciation must be non-negotiable elements of this bond.
- Turning Toward Instead of Away: In times of strife, we often turn away from our partner when they make “bids” to reconnect. The Gottman Method helps you to find new ways to turn toward each other.
- Managing Conflict: Since conflict is inevitable, what matters most is how we consistently react to such disagreements.
- Creating Shared Meaning: Pop culture teaches us to find someone who “completes” us. Reality (and the Gottman Method) guides us to become two united but very independent souls.
6 Signs the Gottman Method Is Working in Your Relationship
The first four signs relate to a foundational concept of the Gottman Method. The Four Horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) must be addressed and rejected.
1. Less Criticism
You’re not going to like everything your partner says or does. However, if something in particular feels like it needs to be addressed, it’s a major sign of progress if you’re doing so without criticism.
2. Saying No to Contempt
Contempt is a deal breaker. The Gottman Method is clearly working in your relationship if you regularly eschew resentment, ridicule, insults, and threats.
3. Rejecting Defensiveness
You’re on the right track when you can hear each other’s opinions without taking them personally. You can respond with curiosity and respect rather than a boilerplate reaction like, “What about you?”
4. No More Stonewalling
When you haven’t established healthy avenues for discussing difficult topics, you’re more likely to choose silence. It feels easier, safer, and passive-aggressive to simply leave your partner guessing. If this is not how your relationship operates, you’re on the right track.
5. Healthy Communication
The Gottman Method puts a major emphasis on healthy communication. Therefore, couples who can talk about the tough topics in a productive manner are more likely to avoid common relationship traps. They more often than not report feeling satisfied with each other.
6. Negatives Are Decreasing While Positives Expand
Overall, the main sign that the Gottman Method is working in your relationship is a clear sense that negative behaviors are becoming rarer. You’re using Gottman Method tools to make daily shifts toward positivity. Even when you’re not feeling totally in sync, you’re able to have meaningful and intimate experiences together.
Are You Curious About the Gottman Method?
You may have read about the Gottman Method, tried it, or perhaps you’re just learning about it now. Whatever the case, I invite you to connect with me soon to talk about how it can enhance your relationship.
