Even when you have the best of intentions, the “fixer” mindset can become more negative than positive. On the surface, you may appear like an empathetic soul who is always willing to do their part to remedy a situation. But not everyone wants you to try solving their problems. This tendency can be particularly contentious within relationships.
Again, your motivation may initially be pure, but you could come across in the wrong way if you don’t correctly read the room. In times of crisis, a person may just want to be heard. Other folks may feel strongly that they need to learn and grow by figuring things out for themselves. If you don’t respect these boundaries, it can actually end up stressing you out.
A Few Reasons Why You May Have the Need to “Fix”
Childhood Experiences Like Conditioning or Trauma
If a young person is exposed to trauma, it can derail their healthy coping mechanisms. They may seek to control situations by any means necessary. In other instances, trauma or not, life in a dysfunctional home can lead a child to take on adult roles. This can carry over later in life.
External Expectations
Never before has the culture of comparison been so dominant. Social media has caused us to set impossible standards and thereby push many people to desperately try to fix all the perceived failings.
Self-Imposed Expectations
If you have a perfectionist mentality, the fear of failure is a prime engine driving your decisions. If you’re someone deemed to be a “control freak,” it can feel impossible to function unless you fix the environment in advance. Also, if you have a frame of mind where you become overly confident in your knowledge of things, you become a fixer because you see your abilities as superior. Such guidelines come from ourselves.
Whatever the root cause is — and it can be a blend of several factors — there is work to do. People with a fixer mindset can seek to strike a delicate balance between compassion and interference. Otherwise, they may attempt to “fix” things that aren’t broken.
Fixers and Anxiety
If a big part of your personality revolves around the status you gain for helping others, you experience high levels of stress if this tendency is challenged. You may wonder who you are if you’re not the one known for having the answers. When people in your life struggle, you may blame yourself because you choose not to “fix” them.
This is fertile ground for anxious thoughts or even an anxiety disorder. Hence, for starters, you’ll want to learn and initiate some self-help steps to recalibrate your thoughts and actions. Also, of course, therapy is a proven path for addressing a fixer mentality and the anxiety it can cause.
Fixing the Fixer
A huge first step is honing your self-awareness. This practice can commence by asking yourself questions whenever you’re faced with a situation that triggers your urge to intervene. Seriously contemplate and deconstruct your desire to step in and fix something or someone.
Is it your business? Does it impact you? Has anyone asked for your help? Do you have the resources to do anything useful and create sustainable change? What is your deepest motivation? Are you seeking praise? Is the problem and your lack of involvement in finding a solution causing you to feel anxiety?
Once you’ve honestly started asking and answering such questions, you can implement personal changes like:
- Accepting that life is uncertain and imperfect
- Setting realistic expectations for yourself and others
- Getting comfortable with delegating and letting others handle their problems
- Challenging the negative thoughts that coincide with this entire process
You don’t have “fix” yourself alone. If the information above resonates with you, let’s talk soon.
